This is the stuff.....

You know how when you are growing up..or at least my parents told me..."If you make it through your whole life with having just one "True" Friend...your lucky! Well I guess I am the lucky one because I have more than one!! But this story is of one in particular...She is my ROCK, my saving grace, my therapist, my own personal audience to my own version of comedy, and most important....she is a person that I can't live with out!

We met when I was in about 6th grade, that is about when I was allowed to "stay the night" at friends houses and I had the Bestest Friend ever Jamey! Her family was a whole family which is what I felt like I needed in my life, mom, dad, brothers (alot of them and I disliked them about as much as my own brothers), and a OLDER SISTER! I was the oldest in my family and I desperately needed that older sibling although she did not find it as amazing as I did. Jamey and I followed her EVERYWHERE.....I WANTED TO BE LIKE SARAH! SARAH SARAH SARAH SAAAAAAAAAARAH! I practically worshiped her! I was really pathetic, and she was MEAN...but I am a gluten for punishment and I kept coming back for more. Over the course of a few years and them being my surrogate family we made a TON of memories. Here is a list of some of those memories...

1. Sarah during a ice fight decided to hit my hand to knock my cup back....It hit me in the mouth and she CHIPPED MY TOOTH!

2. The half shaved head was in style, Sarah shaved the back of my head! Not with a razor but with scissors.

3. Sarah ran away from home (she was legal but ran away nonetheless) came home from California with "Soleless Shoes" It was a string you tied around your foot, it was looped over a toe and decorated with beads! She told us we couldn't be kicked out of a store for no shoes...cause they were shoes...just soleless! Yes I listened and walked about a mile in my bare feet to a store cause Sarah said I could.....Yes I owwwed and ooooo'ed all the way there!

4. I always felt like I was a model at heart or a photographer from an early age...Sarah still has the picture of me that I had my brother take of me trying to pose all sexy against a tree...I was the rip old age of 13! Sarah calls it...my humping the tree picture! I think she is holding it for ransom or for a random laugh at my expense....

5. Sarah when I decided I wanted to learn how to dance....she taught me...on the pole of her bunk bed...Good friend huh! She was setting me up for a life of trauma and I earned it and deserved it because we irritate her to NO END!

Although, we had these few things I am listing and there are TONS more I grew up and so did our friendship! I had moved away to live with my dad and I kept in contact with 2 friends. Jamey was one of them and Sarah was a fall upon really. She had her son and worked and raised him, then when we reconnected she was pregnant and ready to marry and I wasn't at that point in my life but I still enjoyed going to her apartment and drinking coffee with her and chatting...weird huh? She once was mean and now was nice but for some reason there was a connection with her....THE BIG SISTER connection I always wanted and needed. I didn't get on her nerves as much as I use to but I began to appreciate her and rely on her when I was at my lowest points which I was in ALOT then. I made mistakes that she warned me about and like a good friend said "I TOLD YOU SO" :)

Well over the last 14 years we have gone from being ME: The annoying best friend of her already annoying little sister. SARAH: The Big sister who would do anything to avoid the annoying best friend of the already annoying little sister TO: SOUL SISTERS! Sarah knows me better than I know myself, she calls me on my bullshit, praises me on accomplishments, backs me up when i needed but will knock my ass to the ground like a raging bull when I need it to. I have told her ALL my deep DARK DIRTY secrets and guess what...SHE LOVES ME FLAWS AND ALL!

For Christmas she called and told me she had a gift for me. We have never exchanged gifts in the 21 years we have known each other but she said this one was simple. I asked her what it was and she said it was simple and cheap and it made her think of me...my next question was Will I cry? she said...MAYBE! Great! I cry at commercials so now I was anxious...She showed up at my house with her present and a letter and directions for how to open the thing!

First I read!

Dearest Shannon,
I knew when I saw this I just had to get it for you. It reminded me of you for so many reasons. First because its unique. Its handmade and not from a mold. So while there are others out there like it this is no exact duplicate.

Its beautiful at a glance, but if you look close enough you can see it is flawed. That's right, its not perfect! But its flaws add to its beauty

OPEN NOW.....

I opened a wrapped up tissue paper to expose a half of a butterfly wing and as I looked up Sarah revealed the top of her chest and she was wearing the other half!

I started feeling the burn in my nose.....:) I then had to open the end of the note that read....


It has a match and although they are not identical when you put them together the are a whole. They become one, not perfect, but a perfect match!

Merry Christmas,
I love you
Sarah

P.S. When you put it on, it should be the perfect length to rest on your heart.


and I cried! This was the first time I had ever had a moment like this. I realized at that moment...I was truly blessed and its the little stuff that matters the most!

Here is this perfectly imperfect gift....

The Shift, Graduation and the New Life!

In a earlier post I admitted to attended marriage counseling with my husband. He was very uneasy about people even knowing that we were in it. I think he felt like people would view us differently. I on the other hand thought it was nothing to be ashamed of. We started last March and we are about to GRADUATE out of counseling next Tuesday! I am very excited about this. Its been a LONG road and we have hit a speed bump or five but something in the last month and a half has shifted and I couldn't be happier.

The shift happened at a really odd time. We were about to leave on our cruise for a week and the stress and overwhelming feeling of to much to do was really weighing on me. We ended up having a really serious blow out! THE GLOVES WERE OFF!! I felt like we had finally hit that rock bottom and we were NEVER going to recover. I felt disrespected and upset but mostly angry at how he viewed me and the things I did to keep this family running and he belittled my "job" (not my paying one, my duty to my family one). It was really horrible! Needless to say getting on that plane and joining him and our friends for a week of no responsibility and carefreeness (I don't think that is a word but it sounds cool)was more of a chore than exciting. I cried for the days leading up to the cruise. During our discussions following the "fight" truths were revealed and the feeling poured from both of us. I couldn't get past the fact that we had been in counseling for MONTHS and we still couldn't get our shit together. I mean really MONTHS.....some of the discussions were heated and some were just sad but at least it was being put "On the table" and it was up to us to decided how it was going to play out.

While on our cruise we took alot of time to just work on "us". We did alot of talking and alot of what I think we needed all along....Time for US! I stepped out of my box and my comfort zone and so did he. We took naps in the middle of the day along with "other time" ;). The reconnection was beginning and this was EXCITING yet terribly scary!! I went snorkeling in the middle of the Caribbean sea ( I have a massive fear of sharks this was a HUGE accomplishment for me). You never know how powerful the word "Thank you" is until you hear it and know you needed to hear it. That night after snorkeling Brian walked up to me while we were preparing for our dinner in the dining room and just lightly touched my arm and said "Thank you for snorkeling with me today I know how hard it was for you and it really meant alot that you went knowing I have waited my whole life to do something like that Thank you!" This was the first in the "shift". I was taken back for a moment but looked at him and said "Your Welcome, and yes I did "jump" out of my comfort zone when I jumped off a boat into a barrier reef and swam over top barracudas!" we laughed and it was the first time we had laughed together and at each other in a very long time. Well the rest of the week went off without any problems. We had the best time with our friends and with ourselves a part of my didn't want to come back not because of where were where but "Where Brian and I were". I just knew the second we got home Vacation brain would leave and the daily life with kids and jobs brain would come back and the fighting and arguing would begin again. Well that's me always waiting for the fall out and to make sure I am right....I will cause the fallout. The petrified me! I made sure the day we were leaving to say to him...can we please continue this life once we get home I don't want things to change...he agreed.

Coming home was interesting it was the WORST week. The morning I started working I backed my car into my trash cans and I broke my tail light...and a piece of my heart broke because I was expecting the worst actually the normal reaction I would get when I messed up and that was Brian yelling at me...I called him at work and clinched my jaw after telling Brian what I had done. He calmly said...."Its okay is it broke broke or can I tape it?" I replied "You can tape it" he replied "Alright well we will have to wait till after Christmas but we can fix it" I sat dumbfounded and shocked yet relieved that he didn't yell at me! This would be the second "shift". I made sure I "Thanked him" for not yelling at me and I told him how I appreciated him staying calm about it and I laughed as I told him I thought he was going to yell at me.

Thing from here just keep getting better! Are communication level is at an all time high. We haven't had a fight or argument since before the cruise and if we do we are quick to point out what is beneficial to the relationship and what is not and the other is quick to change the tone or body language and APOLOGIZE for being out of line. APOLOGIZE I actually APOLOGIZED for being snappy! That was another "Shift"

After attending counseling last night and talking with the counselor she was shocked and amazed at how just even 2 months ago we were falling apart yet now our pieces are sliding back into the proper place and the puzzle we created is becoming a solid picture! I say it was the "shift". Either way I can honestly say that I haven't been happier than I am right now and I am excited yet still sightly guarded that my relationship from here on out will be purely.....SYNERGY! How do I plan on doing this....here is how!


•Focus on the things I can control: my attitude, my behavior, my words, and my energy. If I want something to change in any stage of my relationship, I can make it happen by changing own traits or actions – not Brians.

•I will make sure I take what I learned and use healthier ways to express my disappointment, anger, or frustration.

•Remember how I came to fall in love! Recalling my feelings of lust, attraction, and desire I have for Brian. I will think about the traits that I was attracted to, and let those old feelings come to life again.

•Appreciate Brian and all his good qualities;I will be grateful for the life we share. Gratitude in itself can enhance our relationships. I will be thankful and apologetic. Most important...I am going to LOVE that man like its my only way to live!

The Christmas lists!

Here they go.....I will also be typing EXACTLY how they are written.

BRI....The OLDEST at 10 yrs old

1. King Arthur Book.
2. Chronicles of Ancient Darkness Series
3. Diary of a wimpy kid series
4. Cracker! The best dog in Vietnam (book)
5. The Rest of the Spiderwick Chronicles (I have 1 & 2)
6. Real Diary
7. Wolf Animal Figure (Like the horses I get at Easter)
8. Bunny figure set (Includes 2 bunnies, hutch house and fence)
9. I tunes Card
10. Interactive Globe
11. Origami Book
12. Soccer Video game
13. Vampire Diaries Poster
14. New Lava Lamp
15. PSP Games
16. Art Set ( Includes: Oil Pastels, crayons, pens, and markers)
17. Earrings and Necklaces

Quiet Through I must say!


Shay's.....The Middle at 8yrs old

1. The spy whatch that takes pictures and video
2. A bascetball
3. makeup set
4. Barbie/vet set with puppy
5. Moxie Girl/snow moxin girl
6. A Penguin Pez or iny pez
7. Horse Set of horses in my poket
8. A set of Polly Pokets
9. Monkey earings/Peace sine earing
10. Clairs card
11. Fish Lava lamp with fish in it from target.

Gotta love spelling!

Pickles's....The baby at 6 yrs old

1. An optimus Prime robot fighre
2. A little red car thing
3. DSI
3. DSI games
5. Stuffed Hockey player
6. Tech Deck
7. Criss Cross Crash race track.
8. Coloring books
9. A fake computer game
10. Closes {he means clothes cause he growed out his pants, his words :) }
11. A toy monkey
12. A toy horses


I think this is a dueable list but u sear it makes me laugh

WTH is a red car thing?? This is going to be interesting shopping! I hope Santa can pull this off and hopefully he knows what it is!

Randomness...

First I have created a slight monster! I really do have a method to my madness and often take a moment to explain to my family the importance of folding my towels in half, then half again then folding 3 times over (they fit in the linen closet better), or how much pretty your bed looks with all the lines straight or how there is a certain place in which all the glasses go in the cabinet so guess what....YOU CAN EASILY FIND WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR!!! Simple rules of organization and me maintaining my sanity! Well this morning I was upstairs switching the laundry and I heard Brianna downstairs making Nics lunch fussing at Shay for helping her! The conversation went as follows.....

Bri: Shay if your gonna help then you need to do it right! You cant make someone elses lunch and not do it right!

Shay: Bri I am...

Bri: No your not...FIRST you put in the drink then you add the banana but you have to stand it up and then you pack the yogurt and the treat around it! Thats how you do it RIGHT!


OYE!



Second, why do the schools insist on making me feel like the worst mom EVER! They make us accountable for SO MANY things, sign this, oh and this....wait and this to! Lets not forget were doing Book it read to your kid EVERYNIGHT and keep track of it on this form but dont forget the classroom reading list right it on there too and that oh yeah you should SIGN! WTF???????? I have 3 kids, 3 folders, 3 sets of homework to check, and 3 kids to run all over the god flippin place for sports...wait dont forget dinner, baths, teeth being brushed, clothes being laid out! WHO THE FUCK has time to sign EVERYTHING! Nic is read a story every night....if he doesnt its because I take it as punishment he HATES that! But after I tuck my kids in and read and kiss goodnight I retreat to my bathroom to shower and ready myself for bed. I never go back downstairs and fill out all the freaking reading logs! I look at his list and see that I havent written on them since September therefore making the teacher think I am a piece of shit mother who doesnt read to her kids! Well let me tell you something...I have read to my kids since they were inutero which is why they are SUPER SMART and ahead of the learning curve anyway. I dont have time to record all my daily actions and sign every single flippin piece of paper in the 100 different places between all 3 kids! Judging by the good behavior and the consistant homework being turned in on time and the HONOR ROLL my girls are always ON I think I am doing something right! Please forgive me for not signing and writing every life detail down in the planner or behavior folder! If my son gets in trouble I know cause he hands me his bookbag and says....I dont want you to check my folder! So if he doesnt do that I assume he has a smily face! Also, I am sure you already know who the piece of shit parents are in your classroom but I can assure you I am a busy and full involved mother and lack of attention is not welcome in this house..just know I dont have time to intial this or sign that THANKS!

Third, I have crossed over to the darkside and I am going Black Friday shopping! Wish me LUCK!

F'ing Socks.......

First, Let me get something VERY clear...I MARRIED A PARTNER! I have been told a couple times I told this story I should be very happy he folded socks....

Sunday morning started out like yet another movie morning! I woke up early (thank you time change) and started making coffee and cleaning my kitchen. One by one my family rose and one by one they all started helping me make breakfast. It was PERFECT! We made this big ole family breakfast and sat down to enjoy it together for the first time in MONTHS (its been busy for us with soccer, and cheerleading oh and LIFE!) We all got up from the table and then the real day had begun! I looked around and saw cobwebs real cobwebs not halloween decorations but real ones and DUST BUNNIES running RAMPED in my house! I start cleaning. B walks into the kitchen and says "I hate when I see you cleaning" my reply "Why?" he says...cause this means I cant sit on my ass and watch TV. I said....Well you can but your a grown ass man who can make his own decisions and you also know you have to live with your consequences (My constant bitching). He looks at me and says 'WHAT are you trying to get done today" I look at him with a look of I may hit you for that comment and say "B look around this house its GROSS I have cobwebs and spots on the hard wood floor look at the tables the dust bunnies are having massive orgies and multiping all over the place I NEED TO DEEP CLEAN!!!!" He says...what can I do? I told him to do the upstairs which consists of our bedroom, bathroom, hallway and the kids bathroom which only gets a chemical wipe down because the kids clean it along with their bedrooms. Easy right???? I had the kitchen, dining room, bathroom, livingroom, hallway which I might add is ALL HARDWOOD!

B and I have had a discussion about hiring a housekeeper to do my grunt work stuff because I feel like I am drowning..running the roads, doing errands, grocery shopping, working 11 hour days, and taking care of the kids where is the time for housework....Judging by the state of my house on Sunday I don't have any! He keeps thinking its not possible instead of trying to figure out how we can make it work and make me more sane and happy! I had told him this before he goes upstairs to "CLEAN" and he did seem to listen to my plea for help and understand how I felt or so I thought!

Two and a half hours go by and I am SWEATING! I am dusting and cleaning and scrubbing...getting eye level with my hardwood to make sure I got all the spots I vacuumed all the way up the steps I am out of breath and sweating profusely and I round the corner to my bedroom and...........

I FIND B SITTING ON THE BED!!!!! He yells..."Look babe look at all the socks matched and folded WOW its alot" I look at the pile and I KIRKED OUT!!! At first I tried to breath and calm myself but then when I looked at the dust and disorganization of my upstairs and the dirty bathroom and the unswept floors I just LOST MY MIND!!!!!!

I turned to him and I Yelled angrily....ITS BEEN 2 AND A HALF HOURS AND ALL YOU HAVE DONE IS FOLDED FUCKING SOCKS!!!! FUCKING SOCKS B FUCKING SOCKS!!!!!! I just told you I was drowning and if we couldn't afford a housekeeper you would step up and HELP ME and I am BUSTING my ASS downstairs CLEANING and your up here sitting on the bed FOLDING FUCKING SOCKS!!!!! Your the MOST inconsiderate, selfish, person I have ever met! I cannot believe when I practically get on my knees and plea for my life that I need help and I give you the SIMPLE job of upstairs you choose to FOLD FUCKING SOCKS!!!! He says......and I quote....."Folding socks is not simple" I am SCREAMING AT HIM and that is his reply Now I am IRATE!!! Is my husband really THAT simple!

I started telling him about PRIORITY! The basket of unclaimed socks is a LOW priority next to my toilets that are as bad as Texaco (not really but I feel that way). The floors in the bathroom has more hair and dust then this chest! I had to prepare to leave to head and hour and 30 minutes away for a funeral for my best friend though high schools dads funeral I walked into the bathroom looked at him and said..."I cant deal with this right now I have to leave and I shouldnt have to deal with this on a day like today!" and he left me alone

Going back to the first sentence I had a friend tell me if she could slap me she would because atleast my husband even folded the socks????!!!!????? Really???? That may be the life that you chose but I chose to marry a PARTNER not a room mate or sperm donor for my children!! I married a partner/father. We run this marriage on a 50/50 partnership. We need to work together as a team to run this family! If he can cut the grass so can I, If I can dust so can he! This is not 1950 anymore!!! If I didnt have to work I would NEVER expect him to do anything! When I didnt work it was all done! I had 2 small children 2 years apart and always had everything under control! B still helped with midnight feedings, and diaper changes and dishes and laundry when I needed him to which was not very often but when I went back to work its not fair to expect me to continue to handle all that AND a job your household IS a full time job! If you know someone who is a house wife and her husband does NOTHING ask her how happy she really is! Even after this meltdown on Sunday I do know that I can look at B and say....I have had a really bad day can I go take a uninterrupted HOT bath and he will keep an eye on the kids so I can!

I guess this major moment of loss of all reality was a wake up call for him he bitched about how long it took to dust the room and asked if we could downsize he spent the remaining hours before our daughters soccer tournament CLEANING!!!! ..ONE GOOD THING TO COME OUT OF THIS......He agreed to let me get a HOUSEKEEPER! The compromise.....After January 1st and the holidays....I am okay with that!

Ahhhhhh the joys of Marriage!

We actually had a night of no running around last night and was excited in the idea of a long hot bath (which I got). Early in the night I should have known it was gonna be "one of those" kinda nights! He was grilling chicken for dinner and I had just taken out the trash from the daycare and walked around to the front of the house where he was. I walked in the front door and he was walking out side I stopped in front of him and kissed him for the first time all day! Nothing big just a simple how was your day kiss. Well my hand brushed against his.....well...package....He looks at me and say HA HA HA you fucked up now you grabbed my shit! I busted out laughing and said NO I DIDNT my hand brushed it he argued it was a cupped grab...I am pretty sure he imagined that. Well I guess that incident started a night of vulgarness!

When I came downstairs after my bath I was sporting my nightgown and ready for bed. Brian proceeds to tell me that I had something on the back of my leg, I lift my gown just slightly and try to look for what he was talking about. I didn't see anything and he kept saying "look its right there in the top of your leg" as he says these things I continue to lift a little higher and spin like a flipping dog chasing its tail and after I searched and nothing I turned to him and said..."Your an ASS" he laughed hysterically and says "YUP, and I just saw your BUTT!" SERIOUSLY???? WTF?

After about an hour Brian decided to come upstairs for bed and I was just finishing up a conversation with an old friend via phone and as I climbed into my bed one of my girls fell out of my nightgown just enough for Brian to jump on yet another opportunity! He said "Hot Damn" is that foreplay.....I said "Ummmmm NO" he said 5 play?? (WTF is he R Kelly this isn't 12 play) I repeated NO WTF is wrong with you!!! He again just laughs..... REALLY MEN??? I don't understand!

Brian proceeds to turn on the TV and the movie Role Models was on which is a favorite of both of ours. I can watch that movie 100 times and still laugh hysterically! Brian gets all excited and says.....'Lets take lots of Ambien and stay up....and fuck" (a line from the movie) I laughed and said "Your so stupid" He leans over and says "I love your whispering eye" (If you don't know what that means you have never seen the movie, but lets just say its my "V") I told him he was gross and I rolled over where he then rolls over to me and says "Can I dry hump you butt" SERIOUSLY I like rolled as far away as possible and said WTF is wrong with you tonight can I get 5 minutes without a vulgar comment.....To meet and know my husband you would think that its impossible for him to be this way but believe ME when I say....he's the worst! Yet its a funny story but REALLY???

At what point after 14 years of the same scenery will it become old? I cant take a shower with out his eye balls peaking in the curtain, or him purposely dropping stuff and asking me to bend over to get it, and my favorite all the dumb tricks he pulls that even after 14 years I still fall for!

My Love Affair and Ultimate Demise of my relationship with tobacco!

I LOVED SMOKING!

I loved the smell of it, I loved the taste of it, I loved the way the smoke rolled off the end of my cigarette and swirled and moved in the air. I loved the way it made me feel from the first drag to the last. I was calm and I was quiet and solemn in my thoughts. I would put my lips on the end of the filter and suck, inhaling with my eyes closed and feeling it fill my lungs with its goodness (yes I know it was tar and nicotine but whatever stay out of my affair! :). I waited for my days to come to an end just so I could run out to the porch and greet my pack and lighter with a kiss and a hug. It was part of me and I was a part of it. I never thought I would ever see a day where it wasn't a part of my daily life nor did I ever want it that way. But one day as I sat with them and took a moment I realized something had changed with our relationship. The cigarettes seemed to become less and less and when we were together what was once a amazing and loving connection became a slight disgust and nausea. I started to realize at that point the relationship was ending.

Was this a good thing or a bad thing? Was my conscience of my families disgust of our love and nonacceptance of having them around that was triggering such ill feelings or maybe it was standing on my front porch looking in the windows at my husband and children playing and inside it burned knowing that this affair was stealing away time with my family! All I knew was that I loved them and I longed for them and they were always there for me when I needed them, they comforted me in my time of stress,in my time of sadness and my time of anger. No one had ever made me feel the way that the cigarettes did. Then it happened. My husband gave me a ultimatum I couldn't refuse. I am a hypocrite! I rally for Relay for Life and I am a Team captain and raise money for cancer research yet I am in love with a culprit of cancer. Its like I am on the army side fighting it but at nightfall I am sneaking across enemies lines to have a rondezvous of heart pounding proportions! Traitor that's what I am...a stupid TRAITOR! I was taken hostage by my own family and bribed to stop entering the hostel side and join them fully by making sure I never become one of their POW's because then the torture they do to you is horrific, chemical warfare in your veins, loss of hair, and of your strength and if your body weakens....DEATH. As I sat there I realized I don't want that! I never want to leave my family before I should and I need to stop being a traitor to myself and to my family and forget how to walk down the path to the enemy lines and cross them for a little moment of satisfaction. My reward would be money towards the army of recruits that have set up shop to take down all the enemies that have become part of the cancer regimen. How can I not pass that up. The reward going to this army is of great proportions and would help them work towards the defeat of their evil king and the world would be full of people celebrating a lot more birthdays!

This all sounds great right? BUT, How do you break such a intense love? How do you walk away from your comfort and solitude? How do you make this HUGE life change? How do you go about your day every day all day looking outside (from the inside) and see the place you once yearned for and not run to it? It would be so much easier if you didn't see your love everywhere TV, stores, outside of bars, or when you see an old friend and they ask how you are doing since the break up and all you want to do is run to the store where you see them and scoop them in your arms and kiss and hug them.

Well I will tell you.....I look into the eyes of my children and my loved ones and I see a lifetime! Being old with gray hair, enjoying the fresh air not through a oxygen mask. Watching my grandchildren come over with my great grandchildren. All though I am not sure that the temptation will ever subside but I am sure of one thing and just one thing.....I want to go on my own terms and not by the terms of a love affair gone wrong. So for now I will not go borrowing trouble I will enjoy my life and hope that the years of my affair have not already proven damaging to my future. If the enemy lines happen to spill over into my new life free from addiction I will be ready and strong to fight against it. Strenght, Love, Courage, and Hope can mean more than just fighting cancer....its a way to live your life for everything you battle!