Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Sometimes the ache is just to great.

For the last 3 years I have been battling the hole in my heart that I feel is growing to epic proportions. You know the book the never ending story and the nothingness that was over taking the land? Well my nothingness actually has a name its called a baby. Seven years ago directly after the birth of our son Nicholas Brian underwent a vasectomy to ensure that we would not have anymore children. At that time it was the right decision for us to make. I had been diagnosed with a heart condition that makes me high risk for blood clots so birth control on my end was dangerous. Trying the "protection" method was something I really wasn't into to be honest. We really didn't have the money to be spending on those so how could we afford another baby, that left us with one choice...Permanent Sterilization. Looking back now that we are older (at the time I was 25 and Brian was 24) I realize it was the biggest mistake we could ever make but was still the right decision at the time. Does that even make sense?

We are raising our children that in life you make choices so think them through before you make them because the consequence of the action is one you will live with forever. Oh how I am eating my words now. I never realized that ache in my heart for another child would have grown as great as it has. Our youngest is 7 and the oldest almost 12 but the ache is growing more and more each day. Seeing the "Were Pregnant" posts on Facebook or the fresh from the delivery room pictures of those sweet warm little buddies of love breaks me.  I at one point realizing the only way we could get pregnant was through IVF I considered donating my eggs to help with the cost of IVF. I was quickly told by a friend I was selfish and that me having 3 children of my own I should be happy because of the 1000's of women out there who want just one but our childless. I was so unbelievably hurt by that comment how is wanting a child selfish? How is enjoying the tiny toes, the milestone moments, watching a baby take the first steps, then watching them step onto a bus for school selfish?  One woman's want for a child is no greater than another regardless of how many they have or don't have.

Brian and I considered adoption but to be honest the process is long and grueling and in the US they always want the children placed with the birth parents and finding birth parents willing to just let the baby go is alot harder considering those 1000's of women who are childless and to be honest with a lottery system like that my selfishness is none existent. I ccouldn't stand in a room with 1000's of women and have that needle in a haystack birth mother pick me over them to adoptive their baby I would want them to have the child not me. International adoption is to risky and expensive. You can dish out thousands of dollars and have them ask for more and you not receive the child. I know of a friend who went  into another country to adopt and 3 months later was still there waiting on conflicts to be resolved but refused to leave without her child. Unfortunately I don't have that flexibility. In talking with another friend who had a friend that went to Russia and tried to adopt and after spending thousands of dollars on the process they went for the final stay to complete the adoption process and when they went to the court to be appointed the court asked for 10,000 more dollars which they didn't have and they left the country childless...I cant go through that.

Last October while at church talking with some of the ladies who were pregnant I told then how bad I wanted another baby. When I explained the vasectomy and how we didn't have the money to have it reversed one of the ladies spoke up and said a friend of hers knew of a Dr who knew how to get vasectomy reversals done through insurance. I was shocked to hear this news and asked for her to get me some information on this Dr. Well during a girls night out with a few of the same ladies she was able to get me the Dr's name and I called and scheduled an appointment immediately I was relieved and felt excited about this for the first time in a long time all by simply asking...How much is your consultation fee? They responded with 100.00. All the other Dr's I called was 500.00-750.00 just for a consultation! I scheduled the appointment and that will be sometime in January. Here is the kick to the gut I got last night. Brian has been having alot of issues with his shoulder and been in excruciating pain. He finally goes to the Dr they schedule all this stuff and put him on anti inflammatory drugs and then when it all failed to stop his pain the Dr orders him a MRI. Well Brian received a phone call last night that our insurance is denying him the right to a MRI because it doesn't seem necessary?? The man had been in constant pain but a non doctor in a office doesn't feel its necessary. They want him reevaluated and more claims sent in to be determined if its medically necessary. If the insurance company wont pay for a MRI........How will they agree to a surgery to fix a mistake made so long ago? Wall after Wall after windows, no doors, only a open ceiling and a soft floor for me to hit my knees and look to the heavens. In HIS time and HIS way if HE feels I am worthy enough will he make the path to stop my aching either go away or be filled. Oh how my Patience is being tested and to be honest I feel I am failing miserably!