Friday, April 13, 2012

Our emotional conceiving a true miracle! Part 1

Back in December I posted a blog about My horrible heart ache! Please read that to understand this.  I ended it with the story of my lady friends at church telling me of a doctor who could perform the reversal through our insurance. 

We contacted the surgeon and scheduled a consultation for April 9, 2012  Four weeks was a long time with so many emotions and thoughts going through our minds.  We prayed for God to lead our path on this journey and that we would trust His Will for us as we go down it.  The day came for the appointment and we were both nervous and excited.  His appointment went well and we felt very encouraged by the surgeon.  Then, the hard news came.  This surgery was going to cost over $10k when it was all said and done.  My heart sank and I just wanted to run away without saying another word (that's my typical response when I'm upset).  We stayed in the office and declined scheduling the surgery until we had more time to discuss it.  We left the office, left Annapolis and made the hour trip home (almost in silence I was sobbing!). Brian held his emotions in very well.  All I could do was cry.  I remember telling him we would find a way and that I don't give up this easily.  Brian said he felt like maybe this wasn't the Dr the Lord wanted us to use. 

We arrived at home with anxious children wondering if we have good news or bad news. I looked at Brian and he knew he had to handle this I just emotionally couldn't handle it. I took a long hot bath and just closed off the world. I know I have 3 kids, but the number of children you have doesn't matter when you want more. Look at the Duggers the have 19! Although, I do not want to be a Dugger I do want one more baby. I want to have a baby where our finances aren't stretched. I want to have a baby we raise only knowing our Lord and church, I want a baby that I will breastfeed come hell or high water. I want a true miracle from God! I had 2 people say that when God closes a door he opens a window....we are looking for that window.

Brian and I didn't talk much on Monday as we were both dealing with the news. He had been texting me for weeks possible baby names and I was researching cloth diapers, midwives (I want a home birth) and everything was in its place....except a baby on my womb. We were mourning a loss of a figment of our imagination. But, to us it felt so very real...

Tuesday night while I was at college I had a break in between classes and I called Brian just to see touch base and he began to ask me about this other Dr I had found. 

One night while I was researching I said a prayer and typed in "cheap vasectomy reversal".  IT WORKED!  I actually found sites claiming this.  Now the skepticism sets in, but I check them out anyway.  The cheapest one I found was close to the top.  I clicked on it and couldn't believe my eyes!  $1700.00!!!!!  Okay, where is the gimmick? I didn't want a back alley Dr who gives my husband a shot of whiskey and a stick to bite on. I really would like for his man parts to work when its done!  As I read on I found his testimony of how he is performing this so cheap as a Service to God because of his own personal conviction from having a Vasectomy himself; and his story of leaving a private group to be on his own to make it affordable for others. God had lead me here for a reason.  I then began looking for all of the information and credentials I could find.  I found nothing negative and only more confirmation of his ability.  The real deciding factor in his ability was found in an online community with other women (and their husbands) going through this journey. I read an entire thread of hopeful and promising stories from his former patients as well as many pregnancies. I am not sure I could have survived these last horrific months without these amazing women who don't tell me I have 3 kids be happy....but have as many as you can and we will clap and applaud you all the way! They would wipe my tears if they could or hold my OPK stick if they could...they are non judgmental women dealing with infertility issues that were handed to them in a different circumstance other than natural infertility. I often feel like if Brian left me and married someone else and had this surgery done, no one would say to him...but you have 3 just be happy with that.  Its just not the simple. The ache we have for another child is the same as anyone who wants a child. 

Dr Wilson is so highly sought after he has a wait list and a online schedule you do yourself. It helps keep his cost down to have very little overhead.  Brian asked me to place us on the wait list and we would take what we could get which would probably not be until August/September. Oh and I forgot to mention this Dr is in Oklahoma! I told him I absolutely would and I started to have that small glimmer of hope again.  Well Wednesday morning I awoke and I was about to get in the shower to start my day when I turned on the shower I heard the Lord say.."Check the Schedule" I had just checked the schedule before bed on Tuesday and showed Brian how Dr Wilson was full through July 8th and the 9th would be posting the next day as his calendar only shows 90 days out. But i grabbed my phone because I heard it again..."Check the schedule" So, while I waited for the water to warm up I opened up the internet on my phone and begain clicking through the schedule to see maybe if the 9th of July was open. I didn't make it that far! I clicked on may and there right in front of me was a open window....literally! the 25th was the prettiest white I had ever seen! I immediately called Brian and told him the date and he told me to book it! I was so excited I could stop shaking!!  

I run downstairs to our computer and go to the schedule praying the whole time the women I know from the forum who stalk it hadn't scooped it up in the 10 minutes it took to call Brian and then run downstairs. I click on the may 25th and it says appt available at 3....I accept and pay the $500/deposit and then I check my confirmation. I check the schedule and it still shows available. I call a friend and she creates a account to check the schedule and she even sees its available. Now I am panicking. Was this a fluke?? Are there 500 women thinking they have the same date and time?? What am I going to do? I guess we can just get on the wait list but this was a huge disappointment.  Oh well, we can wait! Then I decide to check my email and i had a message telling me that my deposit was accepted but they needed to me log back in a confirm my time! WE ARE STILL IN THE GAME PEOPLE! I logged back in and I clicked the schedule picked the date and completed the process and I recieved the sweetest email....YOUR APPOINTMENT WITH DR WILSON IS SCHEDULED FOR MAY 25th AT 3:00PM!!!!!

So, for now I will start charting my ovulation and keep track of my cycle and then my AMAZING husband I will be flying out to Oklahoma for his surgery on that day! We are waiting on our consultation phone call and I am busy in my forum and praying that in the end of this the Lord sees the timing to be correct and Brian and I will be holding yet again our new precious baby! Fingers crosses and tossing baby dust! :)