Thursday, October 28, 2010

Ahhhhhh the joys of Marriage!

We actually had a night of no running around last night and was excited in the idea of a long hot bath (which I got). Early in the night I should have known it was gonna be "one of those" kinda nights! He was grilling chicken for dinner and I had just taken out the trash from the daycare and walked around to the front of the house where he was. I walked in the front door and he was walking out side I stopped in front of him and kissed him for the first time all day! Nothing big just a simple how was your day kiss. Well my hand brushed against his.....well...package....He looks at me and say HA HA HA you fucked up now you grabbed my shit! I busted out laughing and said NO I DIDNT my hand brushed it he argued it was a cupped grab...I am pretty sure he imagined that. Well I guess that incident started a night of vulgarness!

When I came downstairs after my bath I was sporting my nightgown and ready for bed. Brian proceeds to tell me that I had something on the back of my leg, I lift my gown just slightly and try to look for what he was talking about. I didn't see anything and he kept saying "look its right there in the top of your leg" as he says these things I continue to lift a little higher and spin like a flipping dog chasing its tail and after I searched and nothing I turned to him and said..."Your an ASS" he laughed hysterically and says "YUP, and I just saw your BUTT!" SERIOUSLY???? WTF?

After about an hour Brian decided to come upstairs for bed and I was just finishing up a conversation with an old friend via phone and as I climbed into my bed one of my girls fell out of my nightgown just enough for Brian to jump on yet another opportunity! He said "Hot Damn" is that foreplay.....I said "Ummmmm NO" he said 5 play?? (WTF is he R Kelly this isn't 12 play) I repeated NO WTF is wrong with you!!! He again just laughs..... REALLY MEN??? I don't understand!

Brian proceeds to turn on the TV and the movie Role Models was on which is a favorite of both of ours. I can watch that movie 100 times and still laugh hysterically! Brian gets all excited and says.....'Lets take lots of Ambien and stay up....and fuck" (a line from the movie) I laughed and said "Your so stupid" He leans over and says "I love your whispering eye" (If you don't know what that means you have never seen the movie, but lets just say its my "V") I told him he was gross and I rolled over where he then rolls over to me and says "Can I dry hump you butt" SERIOUSLY I like rolled as far away as possible and said WTF is wrong with you tonight can I get 5 minutes without a vulgar comment.....To meet and know my husband you would think that its impossible for him to be this way but believe ME when I say....he's the worst! Yet its a funny story but REALLY???

At what point after 14 years of the same scenery will it become old? I cant take a shower with out his eye balls peaking in the curtain, or him purposely dropping stuff and asking me to bend over to get it, and my favorite all the dumb tricks he pulls that even after 14 years I still fall for!

Friday, October 15, 2010

My Love Affair and Ultimate Demise of my relationship with tobacco!


I loved the smell of it, I loved the taste of it, I loved the way the smoke rolled off the end of my cigarette and swirled and moved in the air. I loved the way it made me feel from the first drag to the last. I was calm and I was quiet and solemn in my thoughts. I would put my lips on the end of the filter and suck, inhaling with my eyes closed and feeling it fill my lungs with its goodness (yes I know it was tar and nicotine but whatever stay out of my affair! :). I waited for my days to come to an end just so I could run out to the porch and greet my pack and lighter with a kiss and a hug. It was part of me and I was a part of it. I never thought I would ever see a day where it wasn't a part of my daily life nor did I ever want it that way. But one day as I sat with them and took a moment I realized something had changed with our relationship. The cigarettes seemed to become less and less and when we were together what was once a amazing and loving connection became a slight disgust and nausea. I started to realize at that point the relationship was ending.

Was this a good thing or a bad thing? Was my conscience of my families disgust of our love and nonacceptance of having them around that was triggering such ill feelings or maybe it was standing on my front porch looking in the windows at my husband and children playing and inside it burned knowing that this affair was stealing away time with my family! All I knew was that I loved them and I longed for them and they were always there for me when I needed them, they comforted me in my time of stress,in my time of sadness and my time of anger. No one had ever made me feel the way that the cigarettes did. Then it happened. My husband gave me a ultimatum I couldn't refuse. I am a hypocrite! I rally for Relay for Life and I am a Team captain and raise money for cancer research yet I am in love with a culprit of cancer. Its like I am on the army side fighting it but at nightfall I am sneaking across enemies lines to have a rondezvous of heart pounding proportions! Traitor that's what I am...a stupid TRAITOR! I was taken hostage by my own family and bribed to stop entering the hostel side and join them fully by making sure I never become one of their POW's because then the torture they do to you is horrific, chemical warfare in your veins, loss of hair, and of your strength and if your body weakens....DEATH. As I sat there I realized I don't want that! I never want to leave my family before I should and I need to stop being a traitor to myself and to my family and forget how to walk down the path to the enemy lines and cross them for a little moment of satisfaction. My reward would be money towards the army of recruits that have set up shop to take down all the enemies that have become part of the cancer regimen. How can I not pass that up. The reward going to this army is of great proportions and would help them work towards the defeat of their evil king and the world would be full of people celebrating a lot more birthdays!

This all sounds great right? BUT, How do you break such a intense love? How do you walk away from your comfort and solitude? How do you make this HUGE life change? How do you go about your day every day all day looking outside (from the inside) and see the place you once yearned for and not run to it? It would be so much easier if you didn't see your love everywhere TV, stores, outside of bars, or when you see an old friend and they ask how you are doing since the break up and all you want to do is run to the store where you see them and scoop them in your arms and kiss and hug them.

Well I will tell you.....I look into the eyes of my children and my loved ones and I see a lifetime! Being old with gray hair, enjoying the fresh air not through a oxygen mask. Watching my grandchildren come over with my great grandchildren. All though I am not sure that the temptation will ever subside but I am sure of one thing and just one thing.....I want to go on my own terms and not by the terms of a love affair gone wrong. So for now I will not go borrowing trouble I will enjoy my life and hope that the years of my affair have not already proven damaging to my future. If the enemy lines happen to spill over into my new life free from addiction I will be ready and strong to fight against it. Strenght, Love, Courage, and Hope can mean more than just fighting cancer....its a way to live your life for everything you battle!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

....The stars are stacked against you girl...get back in bed!

Yesterday was a really rough day for me. I am not sure what was going on. I thought it was a full moon or something. It went like this. I woke up at 6:30am which is later than I like to get up but I was tired and didnt sleep so well that night. I immediately showered, got dressed, grabbed my coffee that B makes for me every morning now (I love his new job) and I went right down to the daycare to start my day! I am fortunate enough to have 3 great kids who are VERY self sufficiant! They get up at 6:30am as well and start getting ready for school and take care of each other YES that is wonderful :). The daycare kids start to arrive J & T, Then G, and Then C. Well I look at the clock it is 8:15am and we need to leave for the bus stop! I gathered all the kids upstairs in a line at the door and guess what..I FORGOT to pack Nics lunch!!! I run into the kitchen throw together his lunch (thankful for my crazy ass organization that drives my family crazy, but my snacks for lunches are already pre packaged in containers in the cabinets or basket or fridge)! PHEW...lunch done in under a minute! Run to the basket I keep my keys....NO KEYS! Mind you I have to be at the bus stop by 8:27 to make sure we dont miss the bus! I run frantically through my house! I just had then the night before! I call B....he hasnt seen them! I am now flipping out!!! I call my MIL and she offers me her car (One of the moments having you IL's right next door I am glad for) I get the kids outside...Mind you there is 7 of them! We run next door and my MIL kept the 3 non schoolers and I took my three plus C to the bus stop and we JUST made it! Not even there for a whole minute! I go and pick up the 3 I have all day and we head back to my house!

Shortly, after arriving back at the daycare and settling in my new 2 year old twins arrived D & M and then followiing them was T another 2 year old. I am now entertaining and teaching (4yr old, 3-2yr olds, 2-1 yr olds!) Normal Day so not bad. I am thinking the hecticness of the morning was over and now it was time to enjoy the rest of my day. TOTALLY WRONG!!! I am having a battle royale of 2 year olds right now all stacking after the dominate claim to my toys. What one has the other wants and I have a 1 yr old who cannot communicate so he screetches and screams to get what he wants...This is where my job of learning to redirect comes in handy! So for about an hour I redirected all of the kids atleast 3 times!!! I was done redirecting and knowing that I was gonna be rained inside today I took them all outside and my vocabulary became.....Using the names of the children first......GET DOWN, FEET ON THE GROUND PLEASE, KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF, DO WE CLIMB OVER THE TOYS?, PLEASE DONT TAKE, SHARE THE CAR, HOW DO WE GO DOWN THE SLIDE, PLEASE USE THE LADDER WE DONT CLIMB UP A SLIDE, OKAY NOW YOU GO TO TIME OUT, PLEASE JOIN SO AND SO IN TIME OUT! I dont think I actually stopped talking the WHOLE time we were outside. GrantedIi work with children under 4 all day every day but this was NOT like them.

Then the drama unfolds yet again. I called another provider for some back up advice and taking a quick moment to get a grasp on the situation and some clarity and cheerleadding (we need that sometimes in this line of work) and when I placed the call it was 11:30.....Well after giving her the OMG I am having a bad day speal...I looked at the clock...11:53!!!! I have to be at the bus stop to get C at 11:50....I am now in a FULL FLEDGED Panic attack worried I missed the bus...I call my MIL cause I still cant find my keys and honestly didnt have time to look. She runs out and starts her car meanwhile I am trying to get 6 kids to mive faster than they do and run to my MIL's to get her car and go get C. Well they choose to look at the trees, pick up acorns, notice a squirrel all while I am losing my ond that C was gonna be takin back to the school cause I didnt get out there in time. I finally get all 6 onto the porch and I jump in the car and RACE to the bus stop! LITERALLY going WAY faster than I should have on my road! I get to the bus stop and THANKFULLY the bus passes my street TWICE! So I did actually miss it but caught her on the flip side. I crossed the street to get C and told the driver i was SO SORRY she said it was fine she turns around anyway and it was all good. I get C and head back to get the other 6 waiting for him to arrive.

Now, I start preparing lunch and 3 of the 7 are tired at this point and are crying and whinning and fighting and hitting all over again while I am ttrying to prepare lunch....At this point I have very little patience hanging on for dear life! I turn on a movie and said for all of them to sit and not move! It was miracle...THEY DID! Well I get lunch made and start to set the table. I am currently tranitioning a 15motnh old to the big kid side and set him a place at the table not the high chair (Its a preschool table very low) After everyone potties and washed hands they one by one gather at the table. I go to lift said 15mth old to the table and put him in his chair he puts his foot into his food plate and before I get him up...he spills it ALL OVER HIS CHAIR!!! I think I this point I maybe have raised and octive or 2 and said Son of a GUN! I think I wanted to cry because that was just the day I had been having...I get him out of the way clean up him and the mess and then I make him a new plate and sit him back down watching his feet. They eat quiet;y and I prepare for naptime!

NAPTIME!!!! I cleaned up from lunch and thankfully they were all exhausted and fell right to sleep. i started working on my Relay for Life stuff and was happy to report I had booked our Bowlathon and confirmed more stuff for our bakesale this weekend and i felt like all was right with the world.

NAPTIME IS OVER! Now this is usually another hectic time..putting awaythe cots getting everyone snacks and doing afternonn circle time! It went well the kids were singing "5 little pumpkins and one eyed one horn flying purple people eater" and I was enjoying the moment! Well then its free play till pick up and i was trying to get everyone packed up making sure cups, blankets, everything is good to go....then we go outside...Well before we can go outside I have a 2yr old and a 15mth old battle for the play kitchen and D shoves G down and as he falls he smacks his head on the table my turtle tank sits on! I freak out and say a quick "please dont let there be blood prayer" and grab G up and make sure he is ok....I fussed at D and ut him in time out for shoving and hurting and then I proceeded to the bathroom to check out G and make sure he is okay....I hear D talking I look out the door and he is out of time out and running around again. I caught his attention and tell him to get back in time out his 2 minutes were not up yet....He then at that moment LOSES HIS MIND! CRYING CRYING CRYING....G is still crying from the head bump and now I have 2 crying children and guess what it is....YUP PICK UP TIME! I have 3 parents walk in to get the kids and I have 2 crying kids and 3 VERY excited to see thier parents kids so there is now crying, squealing, mommy mommy mommy look look look....Ddaddy daddy daddy are we leaving...OMG CRAZINESS!!!! All while D is crying of course the parents are looking he sees them and amplifies his cry....My rule with Timeout is its a place to think and collec yourself you cant get up till you calm down. You cant explain the behavior if the child is upset. So I finally look at him and say D...if you just stop crying you can get out....HE STOPS stands up and walks to me. I told him to keep his hands to his self and he hugged G and kissed his boo....about that time MY KIDS come home from school and Shay walks in BAWLING her eyes out! She had been picked on on the bus!!! OMFG...I need a drink! I finally get Shay calmed down and I get the remainder f the kids outside and it was pretty okay after that.

One of my best friends whom is also a daycare provider (who I called earlier) is moving tomorrow to Arizona. I had plans to drink sime wine and spend time with her before she leaves...I arrived proceeded to give her the run down of the day and telling her how bad I need this night! about that time her daughter comes in and says "Mommy that big girl is crying in the sandbox" I look ITS BRI....Shay accidentally hit her with a shovel in the face and got sand in her eye....I decided she would live and DRANK.....Whats 4 bottles of wine among 3 friends :) Hoping today is a better day!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Romance and the Puffer Fish!

The story of a married couple seeking some romantic alone time watching a sunset...and having a moment interrupted by a Johnny Crain and a Puffer Fish!

So B and I had my mom keep the kids and we went down to the beach at the campgrounds to watch the sunset and maybe sneak in a quick little crazy make out session :) Well it started like this....


Awwwwww cute right! Who wouldnt want to kiss with a skyline like this..


Well....its must also be feeding time for the Johnny Crains as well....B and I saw one land on the rocks off the shoreline. We watched it for a minute hopping around and thought for a minute about how cool they are and B did his King of the Hill....I can heal you Wooolllooooo looooo loooooo thing he always does when he sees one. Well my photography brain kicked into overdrive and all I had was my stupid cell phone but wanted a cute picture of our intertwinded feet and the sunset in the background! Apparently even B's feet are not photogenic...he was being ridiculous and laying in the sand not cooperating and as I laughed at him and punched him around in the sand (playfully of course) I noticed the crain was flying with something in its mouth. I told B to "Look the crain has something in its mouth!!!" He looks up about the time what was hanging out of the mouth of the crain drops to the ground! It made this hollowed out 'THUD" sound, I looked at B and said "What the hell is that" it looked like a ball bouncing on the ground and rolling...The crain landing right beside it. B says lets go check it out. So we get up and run down the beach like playfull teenagers racing to get there first and I was the FIRST to arrive. I see it and it looks like a white textured ball so I leaned over it closer to get a better look I told B "It looks like a ball of some sort??? and then it happened...It made a like spitting/hissing sound I screamed and Ran Like Megan in a clown house! Yelling as I ran down the beach squealing and jumping around ...IT HISSED AT ME AHHHHHHHHH OMG ( insert heebie jeebies dance) and B laughs and walks up to it and says...What the Hell is it?? Meanwhile I am still in the background doing the heebie jeebie dance and Brian is grabing a stick to inspect the alien that fell from the sky. Me (from a safer distance says..What is it?) B turns and says "ITS A PUFFER FISH!" A puffer WHAT I said....he says a Puffer Fish! I now walk closer and look at it with B. and here we are poking it...


And then B picked it up with one of the contraptions he always has in his pocket so I could get a better look at it!


It was a real live puffer fish! It was kinda cool minus the whole hissing and spitting thing. But it was trying to we saved it and B threw it back into the water where it floated for a minute still hissing and spitting like a balloon with the end squeezed open and then all of a deflated and swam away! So we marveled in the weirdness that our romantic evening had turned into the rescue of a strange fish. But then again how can you let a moment like this go to we watched the sun set melt in to the river and we snuggled and played around like teenagers (fun stuff not dirty you crazy people). Took in the moment and enjoyed each other and the amazing view in front of us....









Friday, October 1, 2010

Marriage Counceling........Negotiated Time Out!

So B and I attend Marriage Counseling......What of it? I am talking every tuesday, couch, therapist, a easel where she writes ladders and scales about behavior, she had a clipboard (that i wish I could see how crazy she really thinks I am LOL) and crazy crazy moments where she makes us look at each other and talk....That is alittle rough but TOTALLY WORTH IT! What is so Tabooo about counceling?? I see it as a sign of how much we love each other...we hit a really rough patch, divorce was SERIOUSLY considered but you know what.........I LOVE HIM.....and what is SO wrong about taking steps to secure a stronger, healthier, and (I can say this now) HAPPIER marriage. I really think 90% of my friends would benefit from what we are learning! BUT I had to share this ONE of the many steps we have taken because honestly I FREAKIN LOVE THIS!!!!!!


The point of this tool to avoid the unnecessary and HURTFUL things we as humans do to hurt our partner in the heat of an argument. Its a way to become rational in a irrational moment. As soon as you feel that your situation is escalating here is what you do........


One person calls a timeout. The other has to honor this request!! (if your man or yourself are a follower, there is always one. Mine is Brian this is a somewhat hard part)


Both AGREE to separate for 30 minutes to 3 hours. During this separation, each agrees to calm down about the situation. This can include going for a walk, journaling, taking a hot bath etc...(In my case call my BFF Sarah Lynn and scream till I feel better about how much I dislike him at the moment) Each is to tell the other where they will be during the break.

I like this part...I feel like I can reassess the fight and consider myself as the one who is over reacting. 99% of the time I am LOL!


At the end of time, both check in with each other to make sure both feel calm enough to be together. If not.....wait longer!

If it takes the full 3 hours to cool down and your anything like us....busy busy busy that its even hard to have a fight you need to find time to set aside to figure out the solution. If you have time to do it right then and there and YOU ARE CALM AND RATIONAL then do it then if not......

STEP FOUR (This is another hard step if your one of those dont let the sun go down on your anger people)

Agreement is reached that both will sit down and discuss the issue/s within the next few days....NO LONGER THAN 7 days for the sit down. If you have to out it on your calendar then DO IT.

If you let it go to long then you will never fix it and then problem will just compound on top of older problems and this creates more problem because you resentment builds on top of that. Not to mention if you are not dealing with the problems and making your spouse aware of what is happening then the problem will NEVER get fixed.....BELIEVE ME! I KNOW THIS..........


You sit down and talk about what happened. This can suck but I have found when I am no longer angry I can see his point or make mine easier than yelling it at him.

Can I just say this ONE tool is helping my family so MUCH. My kids even notice and say..Mommy and Daddy hardly fight anymore...I am not saying that we dont but I am saying that we fight better and its usually just a disagreement that turns to quiet time and then a discussion! Who doesnt want to raise their children in a household where they see you resolve your conflict and the RIGHT way to do it. Our thereapist brought up a good point one night she asked if we ever apologize in front of our kids when they see us fight....We answered NOPE! She said now ask your self.....When you saw your parents fighting or heard them, Did you ever hear them apologize to each other.... I will also leave you with that thought..........