Friday, October 1, 2010

Marriage Counceling........Negotiated Time Out!

So B and I attend Marriage Counseling......What of it? I am talking every tuesday, couch, therapist, a easel where she writes ladders and scales about behavior, she had a clipboard (that i wish I could see how crazy she really thinks I am LOL) and crazy crazy moments where she makes us look at each other and talk....That is alittle rough but TOTALLY WORTH IT! What is so Tabooo about counceling?? I see it as a sign of how much we love each other...we hit a really rough patch, divorce was SERIOUSLY considered but you know what.........I LOVE HIM.....and what is SO wrong about taking steps to secure a stronger, healthier, and (I can say this now) HAPPIER marriage. I really think 90% of my friends would benefit from what we are learning! BUT I had to share this ONE of the many steps we have taken because honestly I FREAKIN LOVE THIS!!!!!!


The point of this tool to avoid the unnecessary and HURTFUL things we as humans do to hurt our partner in the heat of an argument. Its a way to become rational in a irrational moment. As soon as you feel that your situation is escalating here is what you do........


One person calls a timeout. The other has to honor this request!! (if your man or yourself are a follower, there is always one. Mine is Brian this is a somewhat hard part)


Both AGREE to separate for 30 minutes to 3 hours. During this separation, each agrees to calm down about the situation. This can include going for a walk, journaling, taking a hot bath etc...(In my case call my BFF Sarah Lynn and scream till I feel better about how much I dislike him at the moment) Each is to tell the other where they will be during the break.

I like this part...I feel like I can reassess the fight and consider myself as the one who is over reacting. 99% of the time I am LOL!


At the end of time, both check in with each other to make sure both feel calm enough to be together. If not.....wait longer!

If it takes the full 3 hours to cool down and your anything like us....busy busy busy that its even hard to have a fight you need to find time to set aside to figure out the solution. If you have time to do it right then and there and YOU ARE CALM AND RATIONAL then do it then if not......

STEP FOUR (This is another hard step if your one of those dont let the sun go down on your anger people)

Agreement is reached that both will sit down and discuss the issue/s within the next few days....NO LONGER THAN 7 days for the sit down. If you have to out it on your calendar then DO IT.

If you let it go to long then you will never fix it and then problem will just compound on top of older problems and this creates more problem because you resentment builds on top of that. Not to mention if you are not dealing with the problems and making your spouse aware of what is happening then the problem will NEVER get fixed.....BELIEVE ME! I KNOW THIS..........


You sit down and talk about what happened. This can suck but I have found when I am no longer angry I can see his point or make mine easier than yelling it at him.

Can I just say this ONE tool is helping my family so MUCH. My kids even notice and say..Mommy and Daddy hardly fight anymore...I am not saying that we dont but I am saying that we fight better and its usually just a disagreement that turns to quiet time and then a discussion! Who doesnt want to raise their children in a household where they see you resolve your conflict and the RIGHT way to do it. Our thereapist brought up a good point one night she asked if we ever apologize in front of our kids when they see us fight....We answered NOPE! She said now ask your self.....When you saw your parents fighting or heard them, Did you ever hear them apologize to each other.... I will also leave you with that thought..........

1 comment:

  1. While we have just entered the marriage counseling zone we have already heard about "timeouts". I think it is a great idea too! Thanks for posting on this and making me feel less alone about it all. I agree- what is wrong with trying to work and "educate" your marriage? I know many people who could use it.

    Thanks for reading and commenting on my blog too!