I LOVED SMOKING!
I loved the smell of it, I loved the taste of it, I loved the way the smoke rolled off the end of my cigarette and swirled and moved in the air. I loved the way it made me feel from the first drag to the last. I was calm and I was quiet and solemn in my thoughts. I would put my lips on the end of the filter and suck, inhaling with my eyes closed and feeling it fill my lungs with its goodness (yes I know it was tar and nicotine but whatever stay out of my affair! :). I waited for my days to come to an end just so I could run out to the porch and greet my pack and lighter with a kiss and a hug. It was part of me and I was a part of it. I never thought I would ever see a day where it wasn't a part of my daily life nor did I ever want it that way. But one day as I sat with them and took a moment I realized something had changed with our relationship. The cigarettes seemed to become less and less and when we were together what was once a amazing and loving connection became a slight disgust and nausea. I started to realize at that point the relationship was ending.
Was this a good thing or a bad thing? Was my conscience of my families disgust of our love and nonacceptance of having them around that was triggering such ill feelings or maybe it was standing on my front porch looking in the windows at my husband and children playing and inside it burned knowing that this affair was stealing away time with my family! All I knew was that I loved them and I longed for them and they were always there for me when I needed them, they comforted me in my time of stress,in my time of sadness and my time of anger. No one had ever made me feel the way that the cigarettes did. Then it happened. My husband gave me a ultimatum I couldn't refuse. I am a hypocrite! I rally for Relay for Life and I am a Team captain and raise money for cancer research yet I am in love with a culprit of cancer. Its like I am on the army side fighting it but at nightfall I am sneaking across enemies lines to have a rondezvous of heart pounding proportions! Traitor that's what I am...a stupid TRAITOR! I was taken hostage by my own family and bribed to stop entering the hostel side and join them fully by making sure I never become one of their POW's because then the torture they do to you is horrific, chemical warfare in your veins, loss of hair, and of your strength and if your body weakens....DEATH. As I sat there I realized I don't want that! I never want to leave my family before I should and I need to stop being a traitor to myself and to my family and forget how to walk down the path to the enemy lines and cross them for a little moment of satisfaction. My reward would be money towards the army of recruits that have set up shop to take down all the enemies that have become part of the cancer regimen. How can I not pass that up. The reward going to this army is of great proportions and would help them work towards the defeat of their evil king and the world would be full of people celebrating a lot more birthdays!
This all sounds great right? BUT, How do you break such a intense love? How do you walk away from your comfort and solitude? How do you make this HUGE life change? How do you go about your day every day all day looking outside (from the inside) and see the place you once yearned for and not run to it? It would be so much easier if you didn't see your love everywhere TV, stores, outside of bars, or when you see an old friend and they ask how you are doing since the break up and all you want to do is run to the store where you see them and scoop them in your arms and kiss and hug them.
Well I will tell you.....I look into the eyes of my children and my loved ones and I see a lifetime! Being old with gray hair, enjoying the fresh air not through a oxygen mask. Watching my grandchildren come over with my great grandchildren. All though I am not sure that the temptation will ever subside but I am sure of one thing and just one thing.....I want to go on my own terms and not by the terms of a love affair gone wrong. So for now I will not go borrowing trouble I will enjoy my life and hope that the years of my affair have not already proven damaging to my future. If the enemy lines happen to spill over into my new life free from addiction I will be ready and strong to fight against it. Strenght, Love, Courage, and Hope can mean more than just fighting cancer....its a way to live your life for everything you battle!