Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Shift, Graduation and the New Life!

In a earlier post I admitted to attended marriage counseling with my husband. He was very uneasy about people even knowing that we were in it. I think he felt like people would view us differently. I on the other hand thought it was nothing to be ashamed of. We started last March and we are about to GRADUATE out of counseling next Tuesday! I am very excited about this. Its been a LONG road and we have hit a speed bump or five but something in the last month and a half has shifted and I couldn't be happier.

The shift happened at a really odd time. We were about to leave on our cruise for a week and the stress and overwhelming feeling of to much to do was really weighing on me. We ended up having a really serious blow out! THE GLOVES WERE OFF!! I felt like we had finally hit that rock bottom and we were NEVER going to recover. I felt disrespected and upset but mostly angry at how he viewed me and the things I did to keep this family running and he belittled my "job" (not my paying one, my duty to my family one). It was really horrible! Needless to say getting on that plane and joining him and our friends for a week of no responsibility and carefreeness (I don't think that is a word but it sounds cool)was more of a chore than exciting. I cried for the days leading up to the cruise. During our discussions following the "fight" truths were revealed and the feeling poured from both of us. I couldn't get past the fact that we had been in counseling for MONTHS and we still couldn't get our shit together. I mean really MONTHS.....some of the discussions were heated and some were just sad but at least it was being put "On the table" and it was up to us to decided how it was going to play out.

While on our cruise we took alot of time to just work on "us". We did alot of talking and alot of what I think we needed all along....Time for US! I stepped out of my box and my comfort zone and so did he. We took naps in the middle of the day along with "other time" ;). The reconnection was beginning and this was EXCITING yet terribly scary!! I went snorkeling in the middle of the Caribbean sea ( I have a massive fear of sharks this was a HUGE accomplishment for me). You never know how powerful the word "Thank you" is until you hear it and know you needed to hear it. That night after snorkeling Brian walked up to me while we were preparing for our dinner in the dining room and just lightly touched my arm and said "Thank you for snorkeling with me today I know how hard it was for you and it really meant alot that you went knowing I have waited my whole life to do something like that Thank you!" This was the first in the "shift". I was taken back for a moment but looked at him and said "Your Welcome, and yes I did "jump" out of my comfort zone when I jumped off a boat into a barrier reef and swam over top barracudas!" we laughed and it was the first time we had laughed together and at each other in a very long time. Well the rest of the week went off without any problems. We had the best time with our friends and with ourselves a part of my didn't want to come back not because of where were where but "Where Brian and I were". I just knew the second we got home Vacation brain would leave and the daily life with kids and jobs brain would come back and the fighting and arguing would begin again. Well that's me always waiting for the fall out and to make sure I am right....I will cause the fallout. The petrified me! I made sure the day we were leaving to say to him...can we please continue this life once we get home I don't want things to change...he agreed.

Coming home was interesting it was the WORST week. The morning I started working I backed my car into my trash cans and I broke my tail light...and a piece of my heart broke because I was expecting the worst actually the normal reaction I would get when I messed up and that was Brian yelling at me...I called him at work and clinched my jaw after telling Brian what I had done. He calmly said...."Its okay is it broke broke or can I tape it?" I replied "You can tape it" he replied "Alright well we will have to wait till after Christmas but we can fix it" I sat dumbfounded and shocked yet relieved that he didn't yell at me! This would be the second "shift". I made sure I "Thanked him" for not yelling at me and I told him how I appreciated him staying calm about it and I laughed as I told him I thought he was going to yell at me.

Thing from here just keep getting better! Are communication level is at an all time high. We haven't had a fight or argument since before the cruise and if we do we are quick to point out what is beneficial to the relationship and what is not and the other is quick to change the tone or body language and APOLOGIZE for being out of line. APOLOGIZE I actually APOLOGIZED for being snappy! That was another "Shift"

After attending counseling last night and talking with the counselor she was shocked and amazed at how just even 2 months ago we were falling apart yet now our pieces are sliding back into the proper place and the puzzle we created is becoming a solid picture! I say it was the "shift". Either way I can honestly say that I haven't been happier than I am right now and I am excited yet still sightly guarded that my relationship from here on out will be purely.....SYNERGY! How do I plan on doing is how!

•Focus on the things I can control: my attitude, my behavior, my words, and my energy. If I want something to change in any stage of my relationship, I can make it happen by changing own traits or actions – not Brians.

•I will make sure I take what I learned and use healthier ways to express my disappointment, anger, or frustration.

•Remember how I came to fall in love! Recalling my feelings of lust, attraction, and desire I have for Brian. I will think about the traits that I was attracted to, and let those old feelings come to life again.

•Appreciate Brian and all his good qualities;I will be grateful for the life we share. Gratitude in itself can enhance our relationships. I will be thankful and apologetic. Most important...I am going to LOVE that man like its my only way to live!


  1. I am so happy you two are doing so well. A friend of mine was at the end of her ropes that she shipped her three kids off to GA for a year so her and her husband could have them time. That was a huge shock to me and I judged her, which I shouldn't have. Now, I can see why. Sometimes you just need time to get away, time to realize why you two fell in love, and time to laugh. I'm so glad you guys got that time. Keep it up! And just remember, one key thing I learned? Laugh each day. Try to find something, even the smallest itty bitty thing and laugh. It will totally change both your moods and is good for you.

  2. I plan on laughing....more than once a day :) and Thank you!