Monday, March 7, 2011

7 times 70 breaking the silence.

So we have been learning alot about "Forgiveness" in church and I really needed to hear what was being spoken. My daughter had been bullied, the family did nothing about it, I was angry and hurt and upset for my daughter. I called my Pastor, talked to my other Christan friends and even looked into some things myself. Forgiveness does not come easy to me because I have been wronged practically since birth. I am working on a new pathway in my life and the slowing of my mouth has been one of them...DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH ENERGY THAT TAKES! I remember while doing the "Love Dare" with my husband while we were "Fireproofing" our marriage the first chapter was about spending an entire day not speaking negatively to your partner. That was the hardest chapter for me.

Here is where I am getting a little deep I grew up in a pretty hostile enviroment. My dad was a non funtioning alcoholic and because of this addiction he lost his life at 46. I watched my father die from cirossis of the liver and it was by far the hardest Trial I ever had to endure. My family was falling apart and I was working and taking care of my dad every chance I could get. I slept between two hospital chairs got up and drove an hour to work only to come back to the hospital that night. It sparked a fight between B and I not because he was not being supportive but because he felt like I shouldnt have given my dad the time and attention I was because I never got that from him. I remember it as if it were yesterday he said to me as I was rushing off...."I dont understand how you can care for a man who has hurt you in the ways that man has" I replied..."because he is my dad whether or not he deserves it its what I need to do FOR ME!" I dont talk about what happpened in my house when I was a child alot because of what "other family members might think". I was silenced to the major abuse (except to a cousin we made a pact and swore to never tell for fear of us never being able to see each other again) I loved my grandmother and most of my family and I knew with out a doubt my mother would have ensured that I NEVER saw any of them again. When I talked to her about this a few months ago when I slowly opened up to her about what had happened she told me exactly what I feared "You would have never seen that family again"

During high school was the roughest of all my dad was slipping further and further into his bottle and the abuse was getting worse. I would watch him literally SHOVE my brother from one end of the room to the other and threaten to beat him within a inch of his life..only to turn around and tell my step mom that he NEVER touched THAT boy he tripped over his own two feet! I sat quietly because to be was a survival tactic. My father would accuse me of doing drugs and for having sex and I was often told I was "Nothing more but a whore JUST LIKE MY MOTHER!" One day I came home from school and he was drunk and angry I knew something bad was gonna happen. He told me to go in the kitchen and clean up his dishes before my step mom got home he didnt want her to know he did nothing all day (Little did she know I did that everyday including making the bed) Well apparently I wasnt working fast enough and he grabbed my arms and screamed at me "YOU LITTLE FUCKING BITCH ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME IN A FIGHT WITH STEPMOM TONIGHT YOUR SO FUCKING WORTHLESS!!" and with a shove I hit the fridge and if anyone reading this was ever in my house then you would know that our fridge was covered in magnets 3 dimensional ones and some flat but mainly big bulky ones. I had dark bruises all over my back for weeks it seemed. I remember being at cheerleading and one of the girls smacked my back to get my attention and I almost screamed out in agony. Only one friend ever witnessed my dad ever hit me...Poor Letha..we were having dinner and I HATE Brussel Sprout well the rule in our house was you have to eat EVERYTHING on your plate. I was 16 years old and I am pretty sure I didnt like them well my dad wouldnt have that and when I "Backed talked" by saying "But i dont like them" He SLAPPED me so hard I started crying and Letha sat in a stunned silence...after my dad walked away Letha QUICKLY ate them for me even though she didnt like them either (Taking time to pray...Thank you God for the friends you have brought into my life during such horrible circumstances they made me strong and got me through).

Finally, 2 months before graduation I had had ENOUGH and I was DONE. I wanted out of that house SO bad that if he killed me I would be free of him. He started with the Whore talk and the useless talk and the your such a little bitch talk and I finally lashed back and I screamed Your are NOT my father your are a piece of crap...Word to the wise..Drunks are not fun to toy with...He turned around and got up in my face and I yelled "IF YOUR GONNA HIT ME THEM HIT ME!!!! and he did! I fell to the ground and I stood back up and yelled HIT ME AGAIN...and he did and I fell again and as I rose to the third time I remember praying "GOD PLEASE LET HIM KILL ME WITH THIS NEXT BLOW!! Please take me from this nightmare and bring me home to you!" and as I yelled HIT ME AGAIN my angel stepmom who grabbed him and said TOM STOP!!! What are you doing he then grabbed my "Charger" my school mascot and prized possesion that my grandmother gave me and he threw it against the wall and shattered it along with what was left of me. I left that house that night to live with my Aunt who allowed me to live with her till I graduated. Then I moved back to live with my mom.

My father sent me down a very destuctive path of self destruction. I looked to men for attention I needed from him, I became all the things church had told me not to be. I started drinking, I playing around with drugs but not really I didnt care for drugs I would have rather had the alcohol, I smoked I NEVER prayed I turned my back to the church because what had God done for me? Then came the boys....boy after boy after boy till my eyes were opened to a boy who was NOT my type and he saved me. I married that boy and he LOVES me knowing ALL MY FLAWS!

So I guess with you readers knowing this about SOME of my situations others are WAY to painful to type out it was hard enough to admit and say. Im not ready to devulge that information the the world I bet your saying to yourself....yeah B was right HOW COULD YOU take care of such a awful response to you is..."FORGIVENESS" My father was a sick man and I remember before the alcohol stole him tickling me till I almost peed, his snuggling with me on the couch watching Saturday morning cartoons, not matter waht he ALWAYS told me he loved me and most of all its what God wants us to do. One night while sitting beside his hospital bed I prayed and I asked for God to forgive him and for God to help me forgive him. I believe that if my father was not consumed my his sadness, anger, own childhood abuse, and his alcohol to cope that he would have been the best dad and I hold on to that not the anger. While driving home today I heard this song its new by Chris August and I BAWLED my eyes OUT! I think I am still crying as I type this....this is the story of me....

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